Screen Gems/Friends with Benefits

Unlike men, every woman has her own particular way of communicating, so trying to establish blanket interpretations of the female subtext is an exercise in futility. But what the hell. Let’s go for it, anyway.

Many relationship missteps men make have to do with not knowing when to take a statement or question from their significant others at face value, and when to dig around for a deeper meaning. Often, we’ll just go by the words themselves, because it usually seems easier. However, this can have disastrous long-term consequences. We’re expected to read between the lines.

A good rule of thumb is to always have a couple of platonic female friends on hand to serve as certified interpreters on the occasions when questions arise. Remember that it’s always important to supply context if you want an accurate interpretation. Context is key. Tell your friend everything you can remember about the entirety of the conversation and what you may have said (or didn’t say) that prompted the comment in question. This practice can be extremely helpful.

Now, this is not to say that men are stupid and/or women are manipulative. When it comes to straight-up exchanges of information, there’s usually very little gray area. No, it’s more about when emotions are attached — during arguments, when one (or both) of you isn’t sure where you stand, etc.
Okay, sharpen your knives, ladies, because here we go.

1. “Fine.”

via giphy

Translation: The opposite of fine. This just means that the discussion is over.

2. “Do whatever you want.”

Translation: This is a test of your judgment. I’m not going to tell you if I think it’s okay or not to do this thing. You should know enough about me by now to know if I’m okay with it. Which I’m not, by the way. If you do this, we are through.

3. “I need space.”

Translation: Get the fuck away from me. We’re probably about to break up.

4. “Are you seeing anyone?”

Translation: I’m interested, but I don’t want to waste any more energy on you if you’ve already got someone in your life. If you do, be honest right now. If you don’t, ask me for my goddamn number already.

5. “I’m almost ready.”

Translation: I’ll be ready when I’m ready. Could be 10 minutes, could be an hour. Find something else to do.

6. “You don’t have to, but …”

Translation: If you don’t you’re going to be single very soon.

7. “We need to talk.”

Translation: I need to talk. You need to listen.

8. “We’ll talk about this later.”

Translation: I’m so furious with you that I can’t think straight. I need more time to gather ammunition and/or think about what the fuck I’m still doing with you.

9. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

via glee.wikia.com

Translation: You will never see me naked.

10. “It’s pretty.”

Translation: Thank you for the gift. It’s the thought that counts. But I’m going to exchange this for something I actually like.

11. “Nothing.”

Translation: Did you seriously ask me, “What’s wrong?” As if you don’t know. Everything is wrong. Everything. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

12. “Whatever.”

Translation: You have won this round, but I refuse to concede, so I’m dismissing that last point you made, and we shall never speak of this again.

13. “I forgive you.”

Translation: I’ve decided I can live with what you’ve done. But you should know that I’m going to use it against you for the rest of your life.

14. “Does this make me look fat?”

Translation: If you answer “Yes,” you’re a fucking idiot. Just tell me I look great.

15. “I’m not hungry.”

Translation: You order whatever you want, just know that I’m going to be picking off your plate, and I don’t want you to give me any shit about it.

16. “That guy is hot.”

Translation: I think you’re taking me for granted and/or you’re starting to let yourself go a little, so I’m lighting a little fire under your ass.

17. “Sense of humor is the most important thing to me.”

via giphy

Translation: But I’ll settle for that guy with the six-pack and giant dong.

18. “Let’s take it slow.”

Translation: I’ve got at least one other guy on a string right now, and I haven’t decided yet which one of you a like more.

19. “I’m sorry.”

Translation: I am empathizing with you for something shitty that you went through. This does not mean I am admitting fault in any way.

20. “I’m tired.”

Translation: I don’t want your dick anywhere near me tonight. I’ll be going to bed soon. After that, feel free to go to town on yourself. Just leave me out of it.

21. “What did you say?”

Translation: I just gave you a get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s up to you to rephrase that stupid thing you just said to avoid a huge fight.

22. “I’m really busy right now.”

Translation: I don’t want to date you. Please stop calling me.

23. “I’m not mad.”

via giphy

Translation: I’m mad.

24. “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Translation: Tell me I’m pretty. And you get bonus points if you don’t even look at her before you answer.

25. “Let’s get a dog.”

Translation: I want to have babies, but I don’t want to scare you off. However, based on your answer, I will know your level of commitment.

26. “Don’t worry about it.”

Translation: I’ve asked you five times to fix the fucking sink and you still haven’t done it? I can’t count on you for anything.

27. “Maybe.”

Translation: No.

28. “We’ll see.”

Translation: No.

29. “Yes.”

Translation: Yes. Or maybe. But probably no.

30. “No.”

Translation: This one’s not open to interpretation. Always, always, always assume that when you hear this word, she means what she’s saying, even if she doesn’t. If you get it wrong, that’s on her, not you.

The post 30 Things Women Say And What They Really Mean appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Image via Favim

Cursing is an art form. Some people are good at it, some aren’t. There are still some people out there who will tell you that using profanity demonstrates a lack of vocabulary or intelligence. Those people can suck my fat fucking balls. Some of the most creative, imaginative language I’ve ever heard has been centered on swearing. So let’s put that one to rest, okay?

“Fucking” may be the greatest, most versatile adjective of all time. The difference between “great” and “fucking great” is immeasurably vast. For example, if someone went to a concert and told me, “It was fucking awesome,” I’m like, “Shit, I wish I’d been there.” Conversely, if that same someone told me, “It was quite wonderful,” well, that paints a less-enticing picture, and I don’t really feel like I missed out on anything.

Or what about “goddammit?” By the way, as you can see, I prefer the phonetic spelling of that particular curse. You can spell it however you fucking want. There is no other phrase in the English language that makes a point like a well-placed “goddammit!” Especially when expressing displeasure. When someone shouts it out, you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that someone’s in big trouble.

Anyway, the thing about cursing, even among those who accept it, is that there’s still a widely held double standard about men vs. women using it. Even some men who drop an f-bomb every other word sometimes cringe when they hear the same kind of language from the fairer sex. Well, fuck all that. There’s nothing wrong at all with a woman who knows how to curse. In fact, there’s something very right about it, and I’ve provided you with a handy list of why that is.

But before we get into the particulars, here’s a quick caveat: Read the room. Weather you do or don’t have a dick, never swear around kids or old people. That’s really fucking tacky.

1. They tell it like it fucking is.

When people aren’t afraid to curse, you usually can assume they’re being honest, because they clearly don’t have much of a filter.

2. They don’t take any shit.

via imgur

Women who curse freely will not put up with your bullshit. Don’t believe me? Try it and see. She’ll rip you a new asshole.

3. They’re goddamn sexy.

Clearly, this is a matter of taste, but if you don’t agree, you’re wrong.

4. They don’t give a damn what any mother-fucker thinks.

Not giving a shit about the opinions of others is always an attractive quality.

5. They talk really fucking dirty during sex.

Oh yeah. You will hear some of the filthiest shit you’ve ever heard in your life. You better do it, too.

6. You don’t have to watch your own goddamn mouth.

Isn’t it refreshing to not have to censor yourself around the person with whom freedom of expression should be so important?

7. They’re really fucking funny.

This flies in the face of most of the shit on this list, but there’s something hilarious about a cute, five-foot woman with a squeaky voice cursing like a sailor. And then you’ve got Sarah Silverman. Awesome.

8. They don’t give a shit about being ladylike.

Fuck that noise. Haven’t we moved past those antiquated definitions of a lady, anyway?

9. They’re fucking passionate.

A good curse word here and there let’s people know you fucking mean it.

10. They don’t keep shit inside.

via replygif.net

You always know where you stand with a woman who’s not afraid to let loose with a profanity-heavy tirade.

11. They don’t date pussies.

Guys who blush easily need not apply.

12. They’re allowed to say “the c word,” which is funny to hear in the right context.

Dudes aren’t allowed to say this word unless they’re British. But a woman can drop it whenever she wants. Cue the spit-take.

13. They know how to tell a fucking story.

I don’t know. Without a few f-bombs, I tend to drift off.

14. They know how to have a good goddamn time.

Let’s be honest. People who curse are a lot more fun than people who don’t.

15. They’re creative as shit.

This falls under the “expression” umbrella, but there’s a definite correlation between swearing and creativity.

16. They’re strong as shit.

A woman who swears a lot is not someone you want to fuck with.

17. It shows they’re fucking confident.

via thegiflibrary.tumblr.com

Cursing projects confidence. It’s fucking true.

18. They’re generally less fucking stressed out.

Profanity releases tension. Believe it and practice it.

19. They’re not afraid of a goddamn thing.

I hate using the word “fierce,” but it applies here.

20. They’re clearly not fucking concerned with gender-specific stereotypes.

So maybe she’ll pick up the goddamn check every once in a while.

The post F*ck Yeah! 20 Reasons Men Love A Woman With A Dirty Mouth appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

20th Century Fox

Well, it’s always fun to piss people off by pointing out things that are generally (but no, not always) true about a specific sector of the population. Some of you people are so goddamn sensitive, it’s hard not to try and push your buttons. But that’s not exactly what I’m doing here today.

These aren’t things about women that “need to change.” These fall more under the category of “why bother?” Now, a lot of the items on this list are the equivalent of “men like sports” or “men obsesses about their penises.” These things will continue to go on no matter how many douche bag internet columnists make lists about them. So, go nuts, ladies. Continue to do all, some, or none of the things on this list. Just know that men don’t care about any of them.

1. Shoes

We will never understand this obsession. Never. We stopped trying decades ago.

2. Nails

As long as they’re not all scraggly and don’t (inappropriately) scratch us during sex, we couldn’t care less about your mani/pedi.

3. Make-Up

You want to use a little to subtly enhance a thing or two, great. But the more time you spend in the mirror painting your face, the less real you look.

4. Celebrity Gossip

Please shut up. We don’t care. We. Don’t. Care.

5. What You Order For Dinner

There seems to be a misconception that men analyze what a woman orders at dinner and somehow uses that information in some sort of profiling strategy. We don’t. Go ahead and order the ribs.

6. Making The First Move

This is one aspect of male/female interaction in which feminism has made little progress, and the one men are rooting for the most. Come over and talk to us, text us first, ask us out. It won’t offend our egos.

7. A Few Extra Pounds

It really doesn’t matter if you’re tight from head to toe. We don’t need you to spend five hours in the gym every day, or even just look like you do. Most of us like our girls to be a little soft.

8. Gifts

We give them to you because we’ve been taught that’s how to show you we care. But outside of birthdays and holidays, you really don’t need to give us anything. We probably don’t want it.

9. Age

It’s infuriating how often women lie about their age. We could give a shit about five years plus or minus. Unless of course, you’re under 18. We do care about that. And if we don’t, we will when we get arrested.

10. Height

Most women like tall guys; we know that. But there’s no such thing as too short or too tall to us.

11. Past Boyfriends/Husbands/Hookups

I mean, look: You’re a beautiful woman. We know you’ve had some dicks in you. Just don’t feel the need to tell us about all of them in some sort of nervous confession. We don’t want to think about that.

12. Whatever They Think Is Wrong With Their Boobs

They’re fine. Trust me. They’re fine.

13. That Bitch At Work

Yeah, we’ll listen to you complain about that woman (sometimes a man, but usually a woman) you hate. But we’re pretty sure she’s not really out to destroy you.

14. How They Measure Up To “Her”

Whoever “she” is. We like you for who you are.

15. Social Status

I guess there are some guys who think about how they measure up against certain people, but women are sure as hell a lot more vocal about it.

16. Hand Bags

“Isn’t it cute?” If you say so. We have no idea.

17. Body Hair

A smooth leg is nice sometimes, and we know you spend a lot of time and effort getting other places just right, but we’ll take it or leave it.

18. Cellulite

It takes a real douche to get turned off by this. Just about every woman has some, and the only thing that bothers us is you complaining about it.

19. Eyebrows

Seriously. Pluck them if they’ve grown together, but overly-shaped eyebrows make you look like an alien or a clone or something.

20. Cleanliness

Yeah, most guys would live in filth if they could do that and still get laid. Thanks for making us pick up after ourselves, but do we really need the whole goddamn place smelling like lavender?

21. Organic Food

I don’t know. I eat pretty much whatever I want, and I get sick less than every woman I’ve ever dated. Stop coddling your digestive systems so much.

22. Jewelry

We only notice it if it’s something we gave you.

23. Facebook

We’re only there to meet girls. If we’ve got one, we don’t have that same need to post pictures and status updates.

24. Going To The “Right Place”

Again, we usually only go anywhere to meet girls. It doesn’t matter to us how hip and trendy a restaurant is. We’d be fine with Outback Steakhouse, but we know you wouldn’t be caught dead in a chain.

25. Having It All

Don’t be so fucking greedy. There’s nothing wrong with ambition, but if what it takes to make you happy is everything, you’re going to live a life filled with disappointment.

The post 25 Things Women Obsess Over That Men Don’t Give A Sh*t About At All appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Relativity Media/Don Jon

With online dating being what it is, we all go on a helluva lot of first dates these days. And, more often than not, those first dates are also last dates. Now, obviously, there are many possible contributing factors here — lack of chemistry, inconvenient geography, misrepresentation of looks, and so on. And then of course, there’s the biggie: somebody says something stupid.

Men are probably a little more in danger of sticking a foot in their mouth than are women. We say something we think is romantic, and it comes off creepy and stalker-ish. We want to let her know we find her attractive, and we sound like we’re just trying to get laid. We want to impress her and we come off arrogant. We try to be funny and end up offending her. There are a lot of traps we fall into, and instead of getting a goodnight kiss, we kiss our chances of a second date goodbye.

So, men may be better at screwing up a first date, but we certainly don’t have the market cornered. So ladies, just to put it out there, here’s a list of things that most guys don’t want to hear on that first face-to-face. If you like the guy, I’d avoid most of these. Of course, if you don’t like the guy, feel free to use this list to ensure that you never see him again.

1. I want to have kids.

Um, that’s great. But we’re just getting to know each other. I’m not auditioning to be your sperm donor.

2. My ex…

Yeah, we both have histories. I don’t want to feel like you’re hung up on some guy from your past, so let’s save the ex-talk for at least date number two.

3. My mom is crazy.

Uh-oh. Then there’s a good chance you are, too.

4. You’re perfect for me.

How could you possibly know that right now? You might think this is a compliment, but it comes off super-needy.

5. I hate…

Don’t talk about things you hate. Focus on the positive.

6. My therapist says…

Yikes.

7. Say something funny.

I’m not a trained monkey here to entertain you. Let it come naturally.

8. Let me feel your muscles.

Real men don’t flex on command. If you want to touch me, just do it.

9. Tell me something you’ve never told anyone before.

Um… no?

10. So I Googled you, and…

Oh great. A stalker. Look, there’s nothing really wrong with Googling someone before you meet them. Just keep it to yourself.

11. What kind of money do you make?

Seriously?

12. I don’t like this place.

Great. And I picked it. Well, I’m glad I’ve already disappointed you.

13. What you should do is…

Thanks for the unsolicited advice. I was looking for a new mom.

14. I think we’ll be good friends.

Don’t ever say the “f” word on a date. Just reject our goodnight kiss. It’s easier to deal with.

15. I usually date guys who are…

Richer, in better shape, whatever. I don’t care.

16. I’m not racist, but…

You’re about to say something extremely racist.

17. LOL

Hey, I got news for you. We’re sitting here face to face. You can actually laugh out loud.

18. I don’t own a TV.

Oh, you’re sooo cool.

19. Sorry, I really have to take this call.

And I’ll be gone before you hang up.

20. That guy over there is really hot.

Thanks for pointing that out. Guess I’m free to check out the waitress’s ass.

21. People tell me I’m high-maintenance.

And you consider this a selling point?

22. How many women have you slept with?

Even my best friend doesn’t know the truth about that. I’m sure as hell not gonna tell you.

23. So what are you doing tomorrow?

Uh… slow down there, honey. I’m glad you want to see me again, but don’t put me on the spot like that.

24. Come home with me.

Yeah, that’s right. If we really like you, this is something we don’t want to hear on a first date.

25. So I want to tell you about an exciting opportunity…

Oh great. This isn’t a date, it’s an invitation to join a pyramid scheme.

26. Can we wrap this up? I got another date tonight.

Ah, the joys of internet dating.

27. I thought you’d be taller.

Yeah, we know you like tall guys. That’s why we always round up on our profiles.

28. Have you been saved?

Oh, boy.

29. How long was your last relationship?

Didn’t we already go over not talking about the ex? That applies to mine, too.

30. Tell me all about yourself.

What happened to good old conversation? This isn’t a job interview.

31. I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

With me, you mean. Got it.

32. This is my first date in years.

Okay. Even if this is true and there’s a good reason for it, you just turned the pressure up to eleven.

33. So how do you think this is going?

If you have to ask…

34. This just isn’t working out.

Hey, screw you. There are nicer ways to blow a guy off, you know.

35. I love you.

Check please.

The post 35 Things That Should Never Come Out Of A Woman’s Mouth On The First Date appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Paramount Pictures/No Strings Attached

Dating has never been that easy; every time you come out of a long-term relationship, it seems like all the rules have changed. Nowadays, things are way the hell out of control to the point that the thought of dying alone seems easier to stomach than attempting to navigate the dating scene.

It’s not anybody’s fault, really, and there’s also no going back. It’s adapt or die, but we can at least vent. In that spirit, here’s a list of things worth bitching about when it comes to dating.

1. Facebook.

A bunch of these points can be lumped under a social media subcategory, but let’s just start with Facebook. Okay, Facebook is great when you meet someone at a party or whatever, because it helps you maintain some form of contact if you don’t want to date this person right away for whatever reason. Of course, that’s also part of the problem. Used to be, when you got a girl’s number, you had a finite amount of time to call her or you’d blow your chance. Now, you can just friend her, send her a message or like a post every now and then and string things out till Judgment Day.

The biggest problem with Facebook is the bullshit factor. We all carefully craft how we want to be perceived by others, and then just try to live up to that image in real life. Do any of us even know who we really are anymore? Thanks, Zuckerberg.

2. Dating sites.

Back in the early days of Match.com, most of us thought that shit was for losers. Then we begrudgingly accepted it, and before you knew it, it was the only way to go. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if Match.com is still around. I know OK Cupid took it over as the go-to site, but I don’t even know if the cool kids are doing that anymore, or if what we used to consider the laziest form of getting dates has been deemed to require too much effort. Anyway, these sites were the beginning of the end.

3. Tinder, etc.

Jesus. Talk about shopping out of a catalog. Assessing people on the most superficial level with a left or right swipe. This is what we’ve been reduced to? Sit down and count the number of people you reject in one minute. Those are actual people with, you know, hopes and dreams and personalities. It’s fine as a hook-up tool, but of course, that’s another nail in the coffin for actual dating. And dudes — enough with the selfies in your boner-packed underwear. That shit doesn’t work, and you’re making things more difficult for the rest of us.

4. There are no first dates anymore.

Let me explain what I mean as we segue out of social media. The three first things on this list have killed the first date. These days, by the time you meet somebody in person, you already know a lot about them, so the magic of learning things you have in common while developing a face-to-face rapport just doesn’t happen that often. First dates are now like third dates, which, you know, usually means you’re going to get laid.

5. There’s nowhere to meet anyone.

Back in the olden days, you could hang out in a bookstore or record store for a couple hours and strike up conversations with strangers. It was fun, because unlike going to a bar or a club, we went to these places not necessarily expecting to meet someone. So nobody’s guard was up, you could have spontaneous moments, etc. It’s a shame these things are gone. It’s weird to me that a lot of you can’t even imagine this kind of world.

6. No one really dates much anymore.

In the traditional sense, I mean. No one really knows how to define dating anymore. Hanging out and hooking up seems to be way more prevalent. Sometimes, this evolves into a relationship before you’ve even gone to dinner and a movie.

7. Courtship is dying.

I’m always amazed when I meet a woman, find a spark, and then spend a week or two with some progressive flirtation before she gives me the green light to ask her out. It’s really a nice way to develop a connection with someone, but you have to get away from your need for instant gratification. And remember, courtship isn’t a game, it’s a dance. Give it a try. Let’s bring it back.

8. It’s too goddamn expensive.

If you’re in the 1%, then good for you, but most of us live paycheck-to-paycheck and the price of things like movies and fancy dinners just keeps going up. So even those of us who try to stay retro with our attitudes on dating risk coming off as cheapskates — or going broke.

9. The bachelor/the bachelorette.

You may think everyone just sees this shit as a guilty pleasure, but you’re wrong. This kind of crap has poisoned the well and over-inflated (or deflated) our collective sense of self-esteem. Either you like me and I like you, and we want to explore where that goes … or we don’t. Neither one of us is a fucking prize to be won, okay?

10. Clubs.

Look, I’m not saying it isn’t fun to go up to some random girl and start grinding your boner against her while there’s no possibility of having a conversation, but it’s no way to try and meet the love of your life.

11. Bars.

Bars are pretty much the only venue left for meeting people in person, but it’s hard to take anyone you meet there seriously. Women get harassed by countless douche bags, and men work as hard as they can to not come off as one. Basically, there’s just too much performance. And “in a bar” is always a shitty answer when someone asks how you two met.

12. We’re all too damn cynical about dating.

We can thank social media, reality TV and assholes like me for perpetuating this problem. Yes, we have to carve through layers of bullshit to meet real, genuine people that we can actually see spending more than a couple hours with, but they’re out there. Maybe if we all just exaggerated a little less about ourselves, we might become a little more open-minded about other people. And I hate to be a party pooper, but stop hooking up so much. Damn. We’re not animals.

The post 12 Things That Are Wrong With Dating Today appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Image via We Heart it

It’s surprising how many people don’t know (or don’t care about) the difference between love and lust. I suppose it has to do with how we live in an increasingly insular world, and we’re all pretty used to immediate gratification. So any fulfillment of a need gets confused with love. Plus, the word “love” is really overused to describe any intense feeling or desire we may have. For example, you don’t love that girl on OK Cupid who emailed you back but haven’t met in person yet; I don’t care how cool she seems. And you don’t love chimichangas; you just really like the way they taste and you could sure go for one right about now. And then, there’s the creepy stalker definition of love, but that’s another article.

The most simplified way to define lust is to make it all about physical attraction. You see a big set of boobies and a nice dumper and all the blood in your body travels to the middle. And yeah, sure, that’s great as a basic 101 definition, but it’s not really all that accurate. If you open it up a little more, you’ll see that lust isn’t always about sex. You can lust after money, violence, adrenaline, all sorts of shit. It doesn’t have to be something that makes you horny. Try looking at it like this: Lust is wanting something because of how it makes you — and only you — feel. It’s about winning something and putting a trophy on your shelf. Lust is selfish.

Love, on the other hand, is a shared experience. You can have all those feelings associated with lust towards a person, but there’s a lot more to it. If you’re in lust, you don’t give a shit about making the other person feel good, or even how that person feels about you. When you’re in love, you do. If you love music, you’re probably not just about plugging in headphones and zoning out all the time, right? You like sharing it with anyone else who will listen. You can’t wait to play it for your friends. Hell, you can even love money if you want to make a lot of it so that you can share it with your family, your community, whatever. Love is generous.

But if all that is just too fruity for you, and you still can’t figure out if you’re in love, or in lust, with someone, I’ll try to break it down even further. And let’s keep things focused on person-to-person love and lust, and not muddy the waters with music, chimichangas, and all that other shit.

If you’re in lust, you’re likely not spending too much time fantasizing about doing the Sunday crossword together. It’s all sex all the time. Either doing it or thinking about it. Conversation is not on your agenda, unless there’s the potential to it leading to more sex. All your feelings for her (or him) are geared around hotness and physical gratification. You don’t give the first shit about their childhoods, their hopes, their dreams, likes or dislikes, and harbor only a passing interest in their turn-ons and turn-offs, because that’s useful information.

If, on the other hand, you’re in love, you’ll know. Because in addition to wanting to screw like rabbits all the time, you are actually interested in what this person has to say. You see their flaws and accept — even appreciate — them. You want to know them on an emotional level, and you want them to do all that stuff with you. When you go out and do things together, you’re proud to be with this person, and not only just because they look hot, which you think makes you look better. You actually care about this person.

Of course, it can still be confusing. It’s not always easy to be honest with ourselves about how we feel about someone. You might try to convince yourself you’re in love because you really like banging that person and don’t want to stop. Hormones are always running wild in the first stages of any relationship, anyway. So you really have to think about things like: Is this person too dumb for you? Too immature? Too materialistic? Too self-absorbed? You get the point. And if you’re still confused, talk to a friend (usually friends of the opposite sex are most helpful in these kinds of dilemmas).

Now, with all that said, love and lust are not mutually exclusive. Don’t be afraid of lust. To paraphrase Jimmy Carter, we all have it in our hearts. Lust turns into love every day. So feel free to indulge. As long as everyone’s consenting and honest about what they want, you never know what a good fuck-buddy might turn into. But in most cases of lust-driven relationships, things just sort of peter out after a while. If that happens, get out quick, because things are about to get ugly. There are few things worse in life than finding yourself in a relationship with someone you can’t stand and don’t want to screw anymore.

The post The Difference Between Love And Lust appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

USA Network/Suits

Okay, ladies. We all know there are a lot of fish in the sea, even though it can seem like the good ones aren’t biting a lot of the time. I have no doubt that looking for Mr. Right can seem like a tough prospect, but he’s probably out there. Or at least Mr. Close Enough.

It’s one thing to lower your standards and temper your expectations a little to accommodate; you know, real-life people with strengths and flaws, and get away from your vision of some fantasy Prince Charming who’s absolutely perfect in every conceivable way. But it’s another to settle for some lazy douche, just because he has hair and a steady job and you’re pushing thirty.

There are some things on this list that should be outright, one-offense deal-breakers, and I hope those are obvious to you. But the truth is, most of these are things that can be worked on—if you communicate that you want them. Guys aren’t mind readers and the sad fact is that most of us will consider borderline behavior acceptable unless you tell us otherwise. Odds are, if your guy is guilty of some of the things on this list, he’s willing to at least work on them. So tell him what you want, give him a little time and some positive reinforcement. You know, like training a dog. However, if he just flat out refuses to make some simple changes that are really mainly about compromise and respect, just break it off.

So, let’s get to it. You should never let your boyfriend:

Continue reading at VOICED.com

The post 35 Things You Should Never Let Your Boyfriend Do appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Universal Pictures/Couples Retreat

We’ve all been there. The lights are low, the music’s on, clothes are starting to come off, everyone’s fully aroused… and then it hits you: “How am I going to do this?”

Sure, you know what goes where, and for the most part, when, but it’s the “how” that’s really important, isn’t it? The way you get busy defines you as a person, and you don’t want to screw it up.

Now, you could just let things happen in a natural way, go on instinct, mix it up when it feels right and just generally have a good time, but that’s just not you. No, you want to know what kind of statement you’re going to be making between those sheets. You can’t get out of your own head for one goddamn second and simply enjoy the greatest act known to humankind without a little egomaniacal bullshit self-analysis.

Well, my friend, I’m here to help. Through exhaustive research and intensive scientific and psychological study, I have constructed the definitive indicator of what your favorite ugly-bumping method says about you as a person. So without further ado, let’s get to it.

1. Missionary

HIM: You don’t care if people think you’re boring, like to play it safe, have no imagination, etc. You could give a shit if people call you insecure about your need for eye contact. Fuck all that. Those people are clearly doing it wrong. You’re a guy who knows how to get things done. Sure, it’s Sex 101, but you know this is the most versatile of positions, and there’s plenty of room to get wild and freaky when the need arises. Do your thing, Missionary Man. You’re a guy who knows how to get results.

HER: You like experiencing a deep connection with your partner, brought on by eye contact, lots of kissing and your ability to withstand 175 pounds or so of sweaty man-flesh pressing down on top of you. Of course, there’s also a chance you like just lying motionless and letting him do all the work, and that’s fine, too.

2. Doggie Style

HIM: OK, some people think you have some deep-seated need for degradation, but you know that’s bullshit. Everybody’s having a good time, after all. Sure, you’re not the most romantic of individuals — eye contact clearly isn’t your thing. You also like to bring it deep and dictate the tempo, so there may be some control issues lurking somewhere inside you. But hey, nothing says “job well done” like looking down and seeing a big ol’ puddle on the small of her back.

HER: God bless you. When you do things, you do it all the way. You’re interested in experiencing everything he’s got to offer. Now, there’s a chance that if this is your favorite position, your guy might not be among the most well-endowed, but let’s let that be our little secret.

3. Cowgirl

HIM: You lazy bastard. You just want to lie there and play with her tits while she does all the work, don’t you? Ah, you know I’m just fucking with you. You’re a giver, right? You’re secure enough in yourself to let her run the show. You’re also probably really into visual stimulation. I mean, isn’t life always better when you can look up and see a naked girl bouncing around on top of you?

HER: You’re someone who knows what she likes and isn’t afraid to work for it. You also might be something of an exhibitionist who wants her guy to know how lucky he is to be where he is at that moment. Go right ahead, put on a show and get that cardio in.

4. Reverse Cowgirl

HIM: Really? This is your favorite? Why? Things don’t really… point that way in a very natural manner. Yeah, it’s got a fun name, and if you’re an ass man, you’re getting a great view, but isn’t it kind of awkward after a couple minutes? If this is your bag, I don’t know what to tell you. You’re probably watching too much porn.

HER: Depending on the curvature of the penis you’re working with, this is a good way to hit that G-spot. Sure, it’s not super comfortable for the guy, but what do you care? You’re kind of a narcissist, right? I bet you have a mirror set up just right so you can admire yourself while you’re working this position.

5. Spooning

HIM: You’re a cuddler. You want your woman to feel safe and protected when she’s lying on her side, taking it from behind. You’re a romantic sort of fella, aren’t you? There’s nothing wrong with that at all, Mr. Sensitive. And you’ve probably got killer abs, because this one takes a lot of work on your part.

HER: You like feeling safe and secure while your man works his magic on you. Like fans of the missionary, you’re probably not too big on putting in a lot of physical effort. Unlike missionary women, you don’t want to get all bogged down in eye contact.

6. 69

HIM & HER: Now we’re talking. You think outside the box (see what I did there?). You clearly don’t get hung up on the conventional definition of what constitutes sex, either, so good for you. You’re into giving and receiving, and I hope —I really hope — that you’re big on personal hygiene, too.

7. Standing

HIM: Hey, you’re a busy guy. You’ve got things to do. What’s the point in making a big production out of everything when you can just drop trou and lean her up against the wall? You’ve also figured out how to effectively eliminate post-coital cuddling from the equation, so I think it’s safe to say romance is not your strong suit.

HER: You’re a complex woman. You want it all: the deep penetration of doggy style combined with the face-to-face aspect of missionary. You’re probably best suited for a high-powered corporate position, and there’s a chance you’ve at least thought about putting on a strap-on and trying this position from the other perspective.

8. Wheelbarrow

HIM: Wow, you like to work hard, don’t you? And you demand a lot out of your partner, too. This isn’t just sex, it’s a full-on workout. Hey, it beats going to the gym. Rock on, you meathead multitasker, you.

HER: Like the guy holding your legs, you’re probably a gym rat. Bonus points if you walk on your hands throughout the act. Triple points if you’re going up and down stairs.

9. Pile driver

HIM: Dude… get over yourself.

HER: I have the number of a good therapist if you want it.

10. Anal

HIM: My friend, you are going places. If you’ve done anal enough times that it has become your absolute favorite, you can pretty much talk anyone into anything. And you’re probably going to leave a wake of destruction in your path. More power to you, buddy.

HER: You don’t exist.

The post What Your Favorite Sex Position Says About You appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Paramount Pictures/Men, Women & Children

I’m not nearly as in love with texting as most people are. That’s not to say it doesn’t have its advantages; it’s just not my preferred method of communication, which is, you know, talking. Especially when trying to win the affections of a member of the fairer sex. I find it lazy and, to be honest, a little cowardly.

Putting yourself out there in person, or even on the phone, can be nerve-racking, but it’s also the best way to stay in control of a situation. You get an answer right then and there, even if that answer is “maybe.” When you send a text, you’re giving her all the control, allowing her to let you dangle before she responds, or worse, giving her the option of not responding at all (which you should take as a resounding “no”).

However, the good thing about wooing a woman via text is that it makes it easier to fake confidence if you don’t have it. It gives you time to craft your responses for maximum smoothness and/or hilarity, which may give you a better shot if she’s on the fence about you, so it’s a great tool for pussies.

Alright, I’m mostly kidding, don’t get your panties all twisted up. Do whatever works for you, and if that’s texting, more power to you. But please, please, please text responsibly. Here are a few things you should NEVER text a woman.

1. “Here”

Seriously, dude? You can’t be bothered to get out of the car and ring her goddamn doorbell? Or even use a frigging pronoun?

2. “Can’t make it. Raincheck?”

If you have to cancel plans, do her the courtesy of calling her and explaining. Texts like this can be interpreted as very cold.

3. “I’m sorry”

If you’ve done something wrong and feel the need to apologize, do that shit in person. She might actually accept.

4. “K”

If you’re so lazy you can’t type one extra letter, then you’re an idiot. Besides, “K” is really feminine.

5. Emoticons

Much like “K,” these are for girls. I mean, how masculine do you really think can be?

6. Emoti-Penises

No explanation should be necessary.

7. Multiple Unanswered Texts

No matter what you’re asking or telling her, if she’s not responding, she has her reasons, whether they’re valid or not. Every additional text you send makes her lock her knees together a little tighter.

8. “What do you want to do?”

Goddammit. Every guy knows when you ask a girl out, you’re the one who has to decide what you’re doing. Putting it in text form doesn’t change this.

9. Your Junk

I shouldn’t even have to say this. Even if she asks for it (which she probably won’t), this is always a terrible idea.

10. “Running late”

Once again, if you’re fucking up by being late, don’t compound the error by sending this text. Call her.

11. “Fine”

If this is in response to her breaking your date, pissing you off, etc., it’s passive-aggressive as hell.

12. “R U joking?”

If you have to ask, you don’t deserve to know.

13. “!”

Exclamation points are for sissies.

14. “Haha” or “LOL”

If she makes you laugh, respond with something that will make her laugh, too.

15. “I was wrong”

Never put that in writing. It WILL be used against you.

16. “I think we should see other people”

This is the kind of thing I was talking about earlier. Didn’t your mama raise you right? Breaking up is a delicate process, and it has to be done with at least a modicum of respect. If you do it by text, you’re either afraid of confrontation or you’re an unbelievable asshole.

17. “Thinking of you…”

You probably think you’re being all romantic and shit, but this is a text that says nothing of importance and requires no response. In other words, the absolute worst kind of text.

18. “Are you mad at me?”

If she wasn’t, she is now.

19. An Unsolicited Selfie

Christ, I fucking hate that word. She doesn’t want to see your egocentric ass making that “Zoolander” face. Correction… she wants to show it to everyone she knows and laugh at what an idiot you are.

20. Sexts

Sexting should be reserved for long-term relationships temporarily separated by distance. Does this kind of thing really make anyone horny?

21. Anything Over… Let’s Say 20 Words

You get the idea. Long texts are annoying as hell. You know this. You hate it when you get one. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

22. “Who’s that guy you were with?”

I spared you the all caps, but the guys who have actually sent this text probably didn’t. Calm down, hothead. Haven’t I already told you to handle confrontation like a man?

23. “Please give me another chance”

Begging is never sexy, but in text form, it reaches new levels of branding you a pathetic loser for life.

24. “I love you”

Maybe if you’ve been together awhile and “I love you” has become part of your relationship vernacular it’s OK, but if you’re just dating, that’s a really creepy thing to do.

25. “I have herpes”

Well, that’s one way of avoiding an awkward conversation.

The post 25 Texts You Should Never Send To A Woman appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Universal Pictures/The Five-Year Engagement

Congratulations! You finally asked her to marry you. You’re ready to settle down and leave the single world behind… right? Planning a wedding is one of the most stressful events you’ll deal with in your life — unless it all goes wrong, in which case you’ll find weddings are much, much more fun to prepare for than divorces, but let’s try to stay positive here.

A lot of dudes think that after they slip that diamond on her finger, their job is mostly done—just rent a tux and show up on time, right? Wrong. So very, very wrong. While it’s true that you won’t be making anywhere close to the majority of the decisions over the next few months, you will be heavily involved in the process. It’s almost comical how much work goes into planning a wedding. You’ll be confronted with choices you never even thought about before and you’ll be nickel-and-dimed at every conceivable turn (Cake-cutting fee? Are you shitting me?).

There will be many thoughts swirling around your addled brain during this highly important phase of your life. This is a list of a few of them.

1. Am I sure she’s the one?

via thegiflibrary.tumblr.com

Once the excitement of getting engaged wears off and the reality of a lifelong commitment sets in, it’s only natural to do a little second-guessing. Don’t feel bad; she’s probably doing it, too. Take it as an opportunity to hash out all your outstanding issues.

2. Who should I pick for my best man?

The easiest thing to do here is go with your dad or a brother so you don’t have to worry about ranking your buddies. Be careful about leaving any friends out of the wedding party, though. Some dudes can be sensitive.

3. How wild is my bachelor party going to be?

Look, if you’re grown-up enough to get married, you should know what your limit should be. You don’t necessarily need your future wife to know everything that went on, but you have to consider the possibility of her finding out and make decisions accordingly. It’s a simple rule, really. “Strippers: YES. Hookers: NO.”

4. How much is this going to cost me?

According to tradition, the bride’s family is supposed to foot the bill. If that’s the case, then good for you, but you better be worth it. More likely, you and your family will be taking on at least some of the expenses, and they are high, so I hope you didn’t blow it all on the ring.

5. Should I write my own vows?

Well, that depends. Some guys are great at expressing their feelings in this way, but most aren’t. If you don’t think you can hit it out of the park, keep the vows semi-traditional (drop the “obey” part) and save the corny sentimentality for the toasts, of which you’ll be making plenty.

6. What should I be in charge of?

Hey, this is her day. You’re just the dude in the tux. She has the final call on everything, so only spearhead what you’ll be good at. When it comes to the ceremony and the reception, most guys handle the music, the liquor, the marriage license, rings and transportation, with limited authority over food and venue.

7. What kind of ring should I choose?

It’s your finger this thing’s going to be on for the rest of your life, so it doesn’t have to be her favorite. Keep it simple; I highly recommend going for the comfort band.

8. Where should we go for our honeymoon?

This is another one that’s all you; she’ll be expecting you to handle it so do it right. Leave the country, even if it’s just to Mexico. Take her to Panama City Beach and you’ll be lucky if you’re still married by the time you get home.

9. If I have to see one more vendor, I’m going to shoot myself.

via reactiongifs.com

Better lock up that gun, buddy, because you probably haven’t even scratched the surface yet. Even though you don’t give the first shit what kind of place cards are on the tables, your presence (if not your opinion) during the decision-making process will be mandatory.

10. Wow, my fiancée is acting crazy.

Yep. But don’t consider it a litmus test. Just because she’s crazy now doesn’t mean you’re marrying a psycho. Perspective is important. Do your part by helping her keep hers.

11. Should I do something special?

The short answer is “yes,” but watch the scale. Everyone wants their wedding to stand out from the crowd, but make sure it fits your personality. Having the wedding party moonwalk down the aisle or choreographing a dance at the reception can potentially be painful and embarrassing for your guests.

12. God, I hope the parents get along.

It’s your wedding, so if your folks have issues with each other or the bride’s family, you need to sit them down and tell them to be on their best behavior.

13. Oh, shit, the Raiders are playing that day.

Idiot. Why are you getting married during football season? This one’s on you, dude. Suck it up. You, your family and all your friends are going to miss the game. Prepare for that to be held against you for the rest of your life.

14. Open bar?

Well, it’s a pretty penny, but everyone will have a lot more fun. Still, if you don’t want your horny uncle feeling up bridesmaids, maybe go with a limited bar — you’ll cover beer and wine, but the liquor’s on your guests.

15. Hey, registering for gifts is actually kind of fun.

Make sure you slip away from the bride and use that scanner to zap a couple of things she wouldn’t approve of. Head over to that “As Seen On TV” display. You’d never buy any of that crap for yourself, but it’s fun to own when someone else is footing the bill.

16. I hope I don’t cry during the ceremony.

via photobucket.com

Pussy.

17. Should I take dance lessons?

If you want to dazzle your bride and the crowd with some crazy moves, go nuts. If dancing isn’t your thing or you have two left feet, just make sure you can pull off a basic box-waltz without stepping on her toes or dress. You’ll get through it.

18. I wonder if I should invite my ex?

Are you crazy? No. And you don’t want any of hers there, either. I don’t care how friendly you all are; weddings can put people in weird places and the free (or semi-free) alcohol won’t help. I advise against this, but do what you’re gonna do.

19. What should I give the groomsmen?

Since this is such a romantic, girly occasion, this is your chance to inject a little masculinity into it. Monogrammed tie clips and cufflinks are fine, but they’ll rarely be used. Give your buddies something they’ll actually want. I like pocketknives, electronic gadgets or fine cigars.

20. Is it too late to elope?

Not at all. But if you’ve already put a lot of work in, she has to be the one to suggest it. If she does, jump on it. Be ready with a list of “pros.” Buy the tickets to Vegas and hop on a plane before she changes her mind. You’ll be sacrificing about 50 percent of your potential gifts but saving 100 percent of your sanity.

The post 20 Thoughts That Go Through A Man’s Head Before His Wedding appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.