Screen Gems/Friends with Benefits

Unlike men, every woman has her own particular way of communicating, so trying to establish blanket interpretations of the female subtext is an exercise in futility. But what the hell. Let’s go for it, anyway.

Many relationship missteps men make have to do with not knowing when to take a statement or question from their significant others at face value, and when to dig around for a deeper meaning. Often, we’ll just go by the words themselves, because it usually seems easier. However, this can have disastrous long-term consequences. We’re expected to read between the lines.

A good rule of thumb is to always have a couple of platonic female friends on hand to serve as certified interpreters on the occasions when questions arise. Remember that it’s always important to supply context if you want an accurate interpretation. Context is key. Tell your friend everything you can remember about the entirety of the conversation and what you may have said (or didn’t say) that prompted the comment in question. This practice can be extremely helpful.

Now, this is not to say that men are stupid and/or women are manipulative. When it comes to straight-up exchanges of information, there’s usually very little gray area. No, it’s more about when emotions are attached — during arguments, when one (or both) of you isn’t sure where you stand, etc.
Okay, sharpen your knives, ladies, because here we go.

1. “Fine.”

via giphy

Translation: The opposite of fine. This just means that the discussion is over.

2. “Do whatever you want.”

Translation: This is a test of your judgment. I’m not going to tell you if I think it’s okay or not to do this thing. You should know enough about me by now to know if I’m okay with it. Which I’m not, by the way. If you do this, we are through.

3. “I need space.”

Translation: Get the fuck away from me. We’re probably about to break up.

4. “Are you seeing anyone?”

Translation: I’m interested, but I don’t want to waste any more energy on you if you’ve already got someone in your life. If you do, be honest right now. If you don’t, ask me for my goddamn number already.

5. “I’m almost ready.”

Translation: I’ll be ready when I’m ready. Could be 10 minutes, could be an hour. Find something else to do.

6. “You don’t have to, but …”

Translation: If you don’t you’re going to be single very soon.

7. “We need to talk.”

Translation: I need to talk. You need to listen.

8. “We’ll talk about this later.”

Translation: I’m so furious with you that I can’t think straight. I need more time to gather ammunition and/or think about what the fuck I’m still doing with you.

9. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

via glee.wikia.com

Translation: You will never see me naked.

10. “It’s pretty.”

Translation: Thank you for the gift. It’s the thought that counts. But I’m going to exchange this for something I actually like.

11. “Nothing.”

Translation: Did you seriously ask me, “What’s wrong?” As if you don’t know. Everything is wrong. Everything. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

12. “Whatever.”

Translation: You have won this round, but I refuse to concede, so I’m dismissing that last point you made, and we shall never speak of this again.

13. “I forgive you.”

Translation: I’ve decided I can live with what you’ve done. But you should know that I’m going to use it against you for the rest of your life.

14. “Does this make me look fat?”

Translation: If you answer “Yes,” you’re a fucking idiot. Just tell me I look great.

15. “I’m not hungry.”

Translation: You order whatever you want, just know that I’m going to be picking off your plate, and I don’t want you to give me any shit about it.

16. “That guy is hot.”

Translation: I think you’re taking me for granted and/or you’re starting to let yourself go a little, so I’m lighting a little fire under your ass.

17. “Sense of humor is the most important thing to me.”

via giphy

Translation: But I’ll settle for that guy with the six-pack and giant dong.

18. “Let’s take it slow.”

Translation: I’ve got at least one other guy on a string right now, and I haven’t decided yet which one of you a like more.

19. “I’m sorry.”

Translation: I am empathizing with you for something shitty that you went through. This does not mean I am admitting fault in any way.

20. “I’m tired.”

Translation: I don’t want your dick anywhere near me tonight. I’ll be going to bed soon. After that, feel free to go to town on yourself. Just leave me out of it.

21. “What did you say?”

Translation: I just gave you a get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s up to you to rephrase that stupid thing you just said to avoid a huge fight.

22. “I’m really busy right now.”

Translation: I don’t want to date you. Please stop calling me.

23. “I’m not mad.”

via giphy

Translation: I’m mad.

24. “Do you think she’s pretty?”

Translation: Tell me I’m pretty. And you get bonus points if you don’t even look at her before you answer.

25. “Let’s get a dog.”

Translation: I want to have babies, but I don’t want to scare you off. However, based on your answer, I will know your level of commitment.

26. “Don’t worry about it.”

Translation: I’ve asked you five times to fix the fucking sink and you still haven’t done it? I can’t count on you for anything.

27. “Maybe.”

Translation: No.

28. “We’ll see.”

Translation: No.

29. “Yes.”

Translation: Yes. Or maybe. But probably no.

30. “No.”

Translation: This one’s not open to interpretation. Always, always, always assume that when you hear this word, she means what she’s saying, even if she doesn’t. If you get it wrong, that’s on her, not you.

The post 30 Things Women Say And What They Really Mean appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

HBO/Sex In The City

Looking inside a person’s apartment is like getting a glimpse of her soul, her brain, and even a little bit of her childhood (old habits die hard). Why not use this knowledge? Instead of simply taking in the scenery of her abode with a shrug and a requisite complementary utterance, think about why there are six cookie jars sitting on top of her cabinets, or what those piles and piles of books about 17th Century French poetry might indicate about her general disposition.

In case you need help getting started, we’ll look at these more obvious connections between her apartment and her personality. You can try to piece together her psyche based on the more subtle touches (like the proximity of her shoes to the door, the material of her desk chair) later.

1. She has lots of stuffed animals… everywhere.

She still holds onto her childhood as if it were only yesterday that she left her parents’ home(s) to enter the big bad world of… gasp… college! She may have to be coddled and comforted more than your average human.

2. A bunch of her artwork is on the walls.

She’s an artist… and she’s self-assured enough to display her work. Hopefully you like it, too.

3. Her gym bag has Lululemon leggings sticking out of it.

This one is trickier. It may mean she’s into fitness, or it may mean that she’s into the image of being into fitness. Lululemon is trendy enough that it shows working out is more than just getting in shape for her — it’s a statement.

4. She has lots of photographs of her friends hanging up.

Though her friends are obviously an important part of her life, she may not get to see them so much (otherwise there would be less of a need to get a view of their faces every day in her home, you know?). She’s probably a fiercely loyal person, but she needs validation that others are loyal to her.

5. There’s a record player in her living room.

She either knows good music or wants you to know that she knows good music… or both. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. This also means she likes to play host and share the joy of her album collection with others. The record player would just be in her bedroom, otherwise, for her own personal enjoyment.

6. Everything is from Ikea.

She’s a working girl. She doesn’t have time for extensive home design because her focus is other things, like her career. Or she doesn’t just have an interior-design bone in her body.

7. None of the dishes/cups match.

She’s moved around a lot and lived with a number of different people. Dishes and cups got shuffled around in each move, leaving her with a collection filled with nostalgia, but lacking in symmetry.

8. Her refrigerator is covered with magnets, notes, and photographs.

She has hoarding tendencies, but she knows how to keep them under control… assuming the rest of her apartment doesn’t look like her refrigerator. Her sentimentality forces her to keep old notes that made her laugh and wedding invitations, even if she attended the reception over a year ago.

9. All the art/posters hanging on her wall are in frames.

Having realized she no longer lives in a college dorm, this woman is a true adult. Give her a pat on the back as a sincere congratulation for having reached this milestone.

10. Everything in her apartment is covered with dust.

She has a vibrant social life and doesn’t necessarily run home to play house when she gets out of work/school/etc. Either that or she has, like, the opposite of allergies and doesn’t pay attention to detail.

11. There’s tin foil covering her windows.

The aliens are coming!!! Or she’s a spy and worried about the government listening in on her conversations. Those are literally the only two possibilities. Either way, exciting!!

12. A TV is the centerpiece of her living room.

She watches it a lot. It is likely, but not definite, that more than one of her nights a week will end with her curled up on the couch, watching a movie.

13. She has two couches/multiple chairs that face each other directly in her main room.

Conversation is more valued than silent viewing time in this abode. Communal philosophical pursuits abound when guests are over.

14. She has several different shades of lipsticks.

This shows style. She cares about her personal presentation to the extent that she knows not only one lip color goes with every outfit (unless its your natural one, but who wears that out all the time? — is her attitude). Ultimately, this means she’s detail-oriented and tuned into her own sense of a style.

15. She has a landline.

She’s over the age of 40.

16. There are vintage ashtrays everywhere.

Don’t jump to the conclusion that she is a smoker. She may just as well be an antiques collector. (Hint: Check for ashes.)

17. There’s a baseball bat propped up in a corner.

Either she plays the sport or she’s ready to protect herself and does not take the chance of home intruders lightly.

18. Decorative pillows perch on all available seating.

She doesn’t spend that much time at home. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have so many decorative pillows, because they are a pain in the ass when you just want to plop down (on your ass) after a long day.

19. Her books all focus on a single, scholarly theme.

She’s either in college, grad school, or planning on going back to it. She’s focused and has a concrete goal for her life that acquires smarts to achieve.

20. Her coffee table books are about the best murals in major cities.

She’s not particularly inventive, as this is one of the most observed variations of coffee table book ever to grace the planet.

21. The flowers on display are dead.

She’s a fan of nostalgia, and her game is never letting go.

22. Much of her furniture is clear — plastic or glass.

She is not a fan of people playing footsy under the table.

23. There is a trunk or two per room.

She has way too many shoes, and jackets, and sweaters, and, yes, even shirts. I mean, what else did you think was in there?

24. There’s a Chanel bag on the couch.

She has enough handbags (or money) that she’d not worried about keeping her pricey purse in mint condition, casually tossing it around the apartment instead. Still, she cares about fashion and looking polished because she has a classic wardrobe staple.

The post What The Inside Of Her Apartment Says About Her appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Image via We Heart It

Everyone “would be the perfect guy if…” This “if” indicates the large number of things men can do to unseal the deal for certain women — things that they often don’t even realize they’re doing. Sometimes they even know they’re doing these things, but they can’t imagine them having a negative impact on their dating/sex lives.

If you’re one of those guys, the following proclivities may serve to explain why you’re getting an eye roll or a handshake instead of a(nother) date:

1. Serial Clubbing

If the only way you know how to socialize is via bottle service in a room where you can’t hear and won’t have to talk to other people, there’s something to be concerned about.

2. Never Having Had A Relationship

If you’re over 25 and this is the case, women are going to question why. They may be wrong to do so — it may be circumstantial, you may just have not found the right one yet, etc. Unfortunately, it will still provoke a raised eyebrow or two.

3. Always Reaching Orgasm First…

… and falling asleep before even thinking about her turn. This one should be obvious, but many guys get so focused on their own pleasure that their brains narrow to the size of their dicks and it doesn’t even occur to them that there’s another pleasure-seeking person on the other end of their genitals.

4. Being Homophobic

If you make a derogatory comment about someone who identifies as LGBTQ, then you are simply an insecure, prejudiced asshole.

5. Failing To Understand The Clitoris

It’s not that tough of a concept. Just look at a diagram if you’re feeling lost (not in the moment, of course, but in time for the next moment). With the Internet as a resource, there’s no longer any excuse for failing to understand how to properly please a woman.

6. Refusing To Hang Out With Her Friends

She’ll take this as a personal offense, and you’ll look like you’re being inconsiderate if you don’t at least try to enjoy yourself with them.

7. Smelling Bad

Pheromones mean a lot when it comes to this emotion we call love. Bad odor will ward off mates.

8. Wanting Things In A Girlfriend You’d Never Want In A Wife

In other words, if you’re willing to accept qualities like experimental, wild and overtly sexy when it comes to a woman you’re casually dating but you’d sooner get divorced than see those characteristics in your wife, not only are you being hypocritical, but you’re also being extremely sexist… which most men have trouble understanding, for some reason beyond most women’s comprehension.

9. Watching “The Bachelor” Religiously

What this indicates about you is left to your girlfriend’s (or potential girlfriend’s) imagination to decide.

10. Watching Porn More Than Religiously

Being a porn addict is like being an anything addict in the way that it can negatively affect a relationship. It’s even worse in the way it can reflect on your sex life. The majority of porn doesn’t emphasize female pleasure (in fact, much of it does quite the opposite), and it can be hard to achieve stimulation with a partner if you’re used to getting off from very niche genre porn, like BDSM horse stuff.

11. Waking Her Up For Sex

Yes, sex is amazing. However, getting woken up prematurely from a deep, deep slumber is the worst thing that can happen to a person (short of all the actual bad things that can happen to people). This is a very insensitive move, and one that will put you in her bad book for good.

12. Militant Religious Beliefs

It’s OK to hold serious religious beliefs, but to impose them on someone else isn’t right. If you want to date someone with the same beliefs, fine, but don’t date someone who doesn’t share them and expect her to convert.

13.  Saying Rude Things About Exes

It’s one thing if you didn’t have an amicable parting of ways. It’s quite another to trash her every time the phrase “ex-girlfriend” comes up in conversation. Another girl hearing this will think a) you don’t respect women and b) you’re going to say some really horrible shit about her when things don’t last happily ever after.

14. Being Vocal About Disliking Your Mom

While women are unlikely looking for a mama’s boy, it’s a bad sign if you talk smack about your mama, nonetheless (unless there are extenuating circumstances and she really deserves it, like in Eminem’s case?).

15. Refusing To Pay For Anything

Are you hiding not having a job? It’s OK to go Dutch and let a woman treat you to meals, but constantly “leaving your card at home” and “not having any cash” will raise suspicion.

16. Failing To Ask Others’ Opinions

This is an insidious quality, because it’s hard to detect at the outset of meeting/spending time with someone new. However, she will eventually notice that you’ve never once said, “What do you think about this choice of restaurant, honey?” When she does, it will be the same time she either addresses it, or, smarter yet, moves onto to someone who actually gives a rat’s ass about what’s going on in other people’s minds.

17. Lying About Insignificant Things

It’s obvious that lying related to cheating will spell out doom for any relationship, but if in the beginning stages of getting to know someone you lie about, say, being a part of a softball team or going to a wedding one weekend, women are going to be just as thrown off (proportionally, of course). There’s no reason to pretend you’re throwing around a ball with a group of strangers every week if you’re not. What will you lie about next? Something that actually matters? Let alone the reason behind the initial lie, which is too potentially sinister to even deal with in this limiting format.

The post 17 Of The Biggest Deal Breakers Men Aren’t Aware Of appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Ted/Universal Pictures

If you’ve ever seen the movie “Jewtopia” (you probably haven’t, and it’s perhaps best if you keep it that way), you know the Jewish woman stereotype — they love to boss their men around (lovingly) while making sure to feed them (amply). Though I’m a Jewish woman who doesn’t necessarily fit these stereotypes, many of them ring true enough to list here. C’mon, listen to our moms — we’re such a catch!

1. She’ll Make The Tough Decisions For You

Should you wear the blue suit jacket or the gray one for your next job interview? Well, you seem a little weak in the gray one — it makes you look like a pushover. Here, forget both of those, she got you a brand-new suit to wear that you don’t look like such a sheizter in.

2. She’ll Say What’s On Her Mind

As with the suits, so she’ll tell you exactly what you need to hear about your everyday actions. If you have any failings whatsoever, she’ll point them out to you… so you can fix them and become your best self, making both your and her a lot happier and more fulfilled, of course.

3. She Knows How To Talk Her Way Into Things

No appointments open until after Christmas at the dentist when you’ve got a painful cavity to take care of? That dentist will pencil you in after your Jewish girlfriend has told her in exhaustive detail the pain you’re suffering and the stress it’s been putting on both your and your family (even if you currently just live alone with your pet parakeet).

4. She’ll Fight For You

Someone’s pushing her man around? They’ll have to deal with her if they think they can get away with that.

5. She’s Sharper Than You

Talking her way through seemingly impossible situations takes some serious mental savvy. Plus, she’ll never get boring to talk to.

6. Her Mom’s Cooking

She may not quite have come to the age where she’s perfected her mom’s brisket (don’t worry, it’ll happen one of these days), but dating her means dating her mom… in the sense that her mom will now consider it her responsibility to feed you and feed you well. Jewish moms consider it a duty — no, a calling — to feed anyone who enters their house or the home of anyone else in their family.

7. She Probably Has Killer Curves

Since we’ve already traveled so far on the stereotype train, we might as well embrace the shallow ones, as well.

8. Her Parents Could Easily Be Doctors Or Lawyers

What does every Jewish parent want? For their sons and daughters to grow up and be/marry doctors/lawyers. Many Jews immigrated to the States a few generations back, so while her grandparents struggled to attain the American dream, they did it in time for her parents to get prestigious degrees.

9. She Can Also Diagnose You Herself

It’s likely she’s a hypochondriac and/or has picked up some medical knowledge from her doctor mom.

10. She Has Pretty High Standards

She was raised to by parents who expected her to constantly overachieve and impress them with… everything. This means that you can pat yourself on the back for the sheer act of ending up with her.

11. She’ll Be Pretty Good At Almost Everything She Tries To Do

This is also a product of parents who raise someone to be an overachiever.

12. She’ll Play It Safe

Jewish parents are constantly worrying about every possible thing that could go wrong in their children’s lives. This will carry over to her, so she won’t take unnecessary risks that put both your and her lives in jeopardy.

13. But She Also Has a Serious Wild Side

Because of her parents’ incessant nagging when she was young, she’s gone through her fair share of rebellion. When she lets you in on her fun streak, you will not be disappointed.

The post 13 Benefits To Marrying A Jewish Woman appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Paramount Pictures/Men, Women & Children

I’m not nearly as in love with texting as most people are. That’s not to say it doesn’t have its advantages; it’s just not my preferred method of communication, which is, you know, talking. Especially when trying to win the affections of a member of the fairer sex. I find it lazy and, to be honest, a little cowardly.

Putting yourself out there in person, or even on the phone, can be nerve-racking, but it’s also the best way to stay in control of a situation. You get an answer right then and there, even if that answer is “maybe.” When you send a text, you’re giving her all the control, allowing her to let you dangle before she responds, or worse, giving her the option of not responding at all (which you should take as a resounding “no”).

However, the good thing about wooing a woman via text is that it makes it easier to fake confidence if you don’t have it. It gives you time to craft your responses for maximum smoothness and/or hilarity, which may give you a better shot if she’s on the fence about you, so it’s a great tool for pussies.

Alright, I’m mostly kidding, don’t get your panties all twisted up. Do whatever works for you, and if that’s texting, more power to you. But please, please, please text responsibly. Here are a few things you should NEVER text a woman.

1. “Here”

Seriously, dude? You can’t be bothered to get out of the car and ring her goddamn doorbell? Or even use a frigging pronoun?

2. “Can’t make it. Raincheck?”

If you have to cancel plans, do her the courtesy of calling her and explaining. Texts like this can be interpreted as very cold.

3. “I’m sorry”

If you’ve done something wrong and feel the need to apologize, do that shit in person. She might actually accept.

4. “K”

If you’re so lazy you can’t type one extra letter, then you’re an idiot. Besides, “K” is really feminine.

5. Emoticons

Much like “K,” these are for girls. I mean, how masculine do you really think can be?

6. Emoti-Penises

No explanation should be necessary.

7. Multiple Unanswered Texts

No matter what you’re asking or telling her, if she’s not responding, she has her reasons, whether they’re valid or not. Every additional text you send makes her lock her knees together a little tighter.

8. “What do you want to do?”

Goddammit. Every guy knows when you ask a girl out, you’re the one who has to decide what you’re doing. Putting it in text form doesn’t change this.

9. Your Junk

I shouldn’t even have to say this. Even if she asks for it (which she probably won’t), this is always a terrible idea.

10. “Running late”

Once again, if you’re fucking up by being late, don’t compound the error by sending this text. Call her.

11. “Fine”

If this is in response to her breaking your date, pissing you off, etc., it’s passive-aggressive as hell.

12. “R U joking?”

If you have to ask, you don’t deserve to know.

13. “!”

Exclamation points are for sissies.

14. “Haha” or “LOL”

If she makes you laugh, respond with something that will make her laugh, too.

15. “I was wrong”

Never put that in writing. It WILL be used against you.

16. “I think we should see other people”

This is the kind of thing I was talking about earlier. Didn’t your mama raise you right? Breaking up is a delicate process, and it has to be done with at least a modicum of respect. If you do it by text, you’re either afraid of confrontation or you’re an unbelievable asshole.

17. “Thinking of you…”

You probably think you’re being all romantic and shit, but this is a text that says nothing of importance and requires no response. In other words, the absolute worst kind of text.

18. “Are you mad at me?”

If she wasn’t, she is now.

19. An Unsolicited Selfie

Christ, I fucking hate that word. She doesn’t want to see your egocentric ass making that “Zoolander” face. Correction… she wants to show it to everyone she knows and laugh at what an idiot you are.

20. Sexts

Sexting should be reserved for long-term relationships temporarily separated by distance. Does this kind of thing really make anyone horny?

21. Anything Over… Let’s Say 20 Words

You get the idea. Long texts are annoying as hell. You know this. You hate it when you get one. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

22. “Who’s that guy you were with?”

I spared you the all caps, but the guys who have actually sent this text probably didn’t. Calm down, hothead. Haven’t I already told you to handle confrontation like a man?

23. “Please give me another chance”

Begging is never sexy, but in text form, it reaches new levels of branding you a pathetic loser for life.

24. “I love you”

Maybe if you’ve been together awhile and “I love you” has become part of your relationship vernacular it’s OK, but if you’re just dating, that’s a really creepy thing to do.

25. “I have herpes”

Well, that’s one way of avoiding an awkward conversation.

The post 25 Texts You Should Never Send To A Woman appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Universal Pictures/The Five-Year Engagement

Congratulations! You finally asked her to marry you. You’re ready to settle down and leave the single world behind… right? Planning a wedding is one of the most stressful events you’ll deal with in your life — unless it all goes wrong, in which case you’ll find weddings are much, much more fun to prepare for than divorces, but let’s try to stay positive here.

A lot of dudes think that after they slip that diamond on her finger, their job is mostly done—just rent a tux and show up on time, right? Wrong. So very, very wrong. While it’s true that you won’t be making anywhere close to the majority of the decisions over the next few months, you will be heavily involved in the process. It’s almost comical how much work goes into planning a wedding. You’ll be confronted with choices you never even thought about before and you’ll be nickel-and-dimed at every conceivable turn (Cake-cutting fee? Are you shitting me?).

There will be many thoughts swirling around your addled brain during this highly important phase of your life. This is a list of a few of them.

1. Am I sure she’s the one?

via thegiflibrary.tumblr.com

Once the excitement of getting engaged wears off and the reality of a lifelong commitment sets in, it’s only natural to do a little second-guessing. Don’t feel bad; she’s probably doing it, too. Take it as an opportunity to hash out all your outstanding issues.

2. Who should I pick for my best man?

The easiest thing to do here is go with your dad or a brother so you don’t have to worry about ranking your buddies. Be careful about leaving any friends out of the wedding party, though. Some dudes can be sensitive.

3. How wild is my bachelor party going to be?

Look, if you’re grown-up enough to get married, you should know what your limit should be. You don’t necessarily need your future wife to know everything that went on, but you have to consider the possibility of her finding out and make decisions accordingly. It’s a simple rule, really. “Strippers: YES. Hookers: NO.”

4. How much is this going to cost me?

According to tradition, the bride’s family is supposed to foot the bill. If that’s the case, then good for you, but you better be worth it. More likely, you and your family will be taking on at least some of the expenses, and they are high, so I hope you didn’t blow it all on the ring.

5. Should I write my own vows?

Well, that depends. Some guys are great at expressing their feelings in this way, but most aren’t. If you don’t think you can hit it out of the park, keep the vows semi-traditional (drop the “obey” part) and save the corny sentimentality for the toasts, of which you’ll be making plenty.

6. What should I be in charge of?

Hey, this is her day. You’re just the dude in the tux. She has the final call on everything, so only spearhead what you’ll be good at. When it comes to the ceremony and the reception, most guys handle the music, the liquor, the marriage license, rings and transportation, with limited authority over food and venue.

7. What kind of ring should I choose?

It’s your finger this thing’s going to be on for the rest of your life, so it doesn’t have to be her favorite. Keep it simple; I highly recommend going for the comfort band.

8. Where should we go for our honeymoon?

This is another one that’s all you; she’ll be expecting you to handle it so do it right. Leave the country, even if it’s just to Mexico. Take her to Panama City Beach and you’ll be lucky if you’re still married by the time you get home.

9. If I have to see one more vendor, I’m going to shoot myself.

via reactiongifs.com

Better lock up that gun, buddy, because you probably haven’t even scratched the surface yet. Even though you don’t give the first shit what kind of place cards are on the tables, your presence (if not your opinion) during the decision-making process will be mandatory.

10. Wow, my fiancée is acting crazy.

Yep. But don’t consider it a litmus test. Just because she’s crazy now doesn’t mean you’re marrying a psycho. Perspective is important. Do your part by helping her keep hers.

11. Should I do something special?

The short answer is “yes,” but watch the scale. Everyone wants their wedding to stand out from the crowd, but make sure it fits your personality. Having the wedding party moonwalk down the aisle or choreographing a dance at the reception can potentially be painful and embarrassing for your guests.

12. God, I hope the parents get along.

It’s your wedding, so if your folks have issues with each other or the bride’s family, you need to sit them down and tell them to be on their best behavior.

13. Oh, shit, the Raiders are playing that day.

Idiot. Why are you getting married during football season? This one’s on you, dude. Suck it up. You, your family and all your friends are going to miss the game. Prepare for that to be held against you for the rest of your life.

14. Open bar?

Well, it’s a pretty penny, but everyone will have a lot more fun. Still, if you don’t want your horny uncle feeling up bridesmaids, maybe go with a limited bar — you’ll cover beer and wine, but the liquor’s on your guests.

15. Hey, registering for gifts is actually kind of fun.

Make sure you slip away from the bride and use that scanner to zap a couple of things she wouldn’t approve of. Head over to that “As Seen On TV” display. You’d never buy any of that crap for yourself, but it’s fun to own when someone else is footing the bill.

16. I hope I don’t cry during the ceremony.

via photobucket.com

Pussy.

17. Should I take dance lessons?

If you want to dazzle your bride and the crowd with some crazy moves, go nuts. If dancing isn’t your thing or you have two left feet, just make sure you can pull off a basic box-waltz without stepping on her toes or dress. You’ll get through it.

18. I wonder if I should invite my ex?

Are you crazy? No. And you don’t want any of hers there, either. I don’t care how friendly you all are; weddings can put people in weird places and the free (or semi-free) alcohol won’t help. I advise against this, but do what you’re gonna do.

19. What should I give the groomsmen?

Since this is such a romantic, girly occasion, this is your chance to inject a little masculinity into it. Monogrammed tie clips and cufflinks are fine, but they’ll rarely be used. Give your buddies something they’ll actually want. I like pocketknives, electronic gadgets or fine cigars.

20. Is it too late to elope?

Not at all. But if you’ve already put a lot of work in, she has to be the one to suggest it. If she does, jump on it. Be ready with a list of “pros.” Buy the tickets to Vegas and hop on a plane before she changes her mind. You’ll be sacrificing about 50 percent of your potential gifts but saving 100 percent of your sanity.

The post 20 Thoughts That Go Through A Man’s Head Before His Wedding appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

That Awkward Moment

So you don’t have a girlfriend, huh? Maybe you just went through a nasty breakup, maybe the search for Ms. Right is taking a lot longer than you thought, or hell, maybe you’ve never had a long-term relationship in your life — I don’t know. But you’re all by yourself, and you’re feeling down about it. Well, stop moping, asshole. The world hasn’t ended. In fact, a new one has just opened up.

There are a lot of advantages to being with somebody — the companionship, the guaranteed sex, being part of a team, having someone to share your hopes and dreams with and all that good stuff. So when we find ourselves without a better half, we’re pretty well-programmed to start looking for another person to fill that void and elevate our sense of self-worth. But that’s a sucker’s game. Loneliness can easily translate into desperation, and when you come off as desperate, you’re only going to attract other desperate people; that’s a recipe for disaster. You don’t need to be in a relationship. You don’t even have to want one. Focus on yourself for a while.

Nobody wants to be alone forever, but everybody should try it for anywhere from a few months to a few years. There are a lot of pros to being single, and you should be taking advantage of every single one of them. So stop telling your friends there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely or whatever bullshit you say to help you sleep at night and start embracing your single status for what it is: freedom.

Read the list at VOICED.com

The post 25 Great Things About Being A Single Guy appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Fox/New Girl

It’s not that women are overly sensitive creatures or even that easily offended — it’s just that men are really good at saying the wrong thing. Guys, if you’re perplexed about the last time your girlfriend huffed her way out of the room, perhaps this list will help you figure out why she’s still not returning your texts.

1. Referring To Your Superior Strength

Old Spice/Via giphy

The whole “I’m here to protect you” vibe ended with the first wave of feminism. Now it’s just annoying and outdated.

2. Saying “You’re Really Good At X, For a Girl…”

This kind of talk should have ended in middle school, and it would be hard to find a woman that doesn’t think that way.

3. Bashing On Her Friends’ “Girly” Traits

Making fun of how girls have to tell each other everything won’t get you very far in their world.

4. Not Texting Her Back Until She Mentions Something You Want…

… like sex or pizza delivery. Remember that her texts about the latest annoying thing her boss did were sent with the intention of being answered, too.

5. Falling Asleep Immediately After Sex

Forget about the cuddling — a woman doesn’t want to hear you break into loud snores while she’s still coming down from a climax.

6. Asking Her Out and Not Paying

Universal Pictures/Ted/via tumblr

If you’re the one who initiates the date, it’s only fair that you pay. Same goes for when a woman does the asking out, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

7. Canceling Plans At The Last Minute

Women tend to take longer to get ready to go out than men do. This means that canceling on a lady at the last causes her to go through the trouble of her pre-outing ritual for nothing. Congratulations, you’ve wasted her time.

8. Ordering For Her

Very few women will be thrilled to hear you picking out their meal, especially if this is a first date. She may have a near-fatal allergy that she hasn’t told you about yet.

9. Not Disposing Of The Condom Wrapper

Chances are, you made a mess anyway, so removing the wrapper from a woman’s bedroom floor is always appreciated. However, many women won’t let resentment build over this one since you bothered to use a condom in the first place.

10. Obsessing Over Other Women’s Bodies

Talking about what you would do with Kelsey’s tits is going to provoke glares from all the women in earshot. (They’re not held rapt by some guy’s poetic description of motorboating).

11. Forgetting Her Favorites

When a dude forgets his lady friend’s favorite movie, color, restaurant, etc., the matter is rarely taken lightly. To a woman, this indicates that you’ve never listened to a word that’s come out of her mouth.

12. Blaming Bad Moods On Her Period

via tumblr

Sometimes women get sad/are assholes for reasons other than “that time of the month.” Chalking all of their feelings up to four days of blood devalues their status as human beings.

13. Avoiding Eye Contact When You’re Talking To Her

Watching the football game over a woman’s head while she’s telling you about her day will not fly. Guy friends may not care, but lady friends appreciate when you actually listen to them.

14. Dismissing Her Fears/ Concerns As Impractical

It’s not always about how rational it is to worry about your best friend’s safety on a blind date in a well-lit, crowded restaurant. Maybe the lady is just trying to express how much she cares for her friend, and there’s no reason to mock her for that.

15. Catcalling

Getting whistled at on the street is not flattering. It’s actually a form of harassment, and it has never resulted in the catcaller getting positive attention from a woman.

16. Leaving the Toilet Seat Up

In the middle of the night, when it’s dark and a woman is groggy, she will fall in. And it will be your fault, mister.

17. Finishing Fast

Women should never be too hard on guys for premature ejaculation, but that doesn’t mean they don’t hold a bit of a grudge every time it happens.

18. Telling Her To “Calm Down”

Universal Pictures/Bridesmaids/via replygif.net

What with the long-existing stereotype of the “hysterical woman,” it’s an especially sensitive subject

19. Weighing In On Abortion Rights

When guys forget that this is a woman’s issue and start talking about the fate of the uterus, women get pissed. Word to the wise: It never comes off as if you’re having a friendly political discussion.

20. Making Rape Jokes

Not ever funny.

The post 20 Ways Men Make Women Hate Them Without Realizing It appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

Metro Goldwyn Mayer/Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Insecurity is the root of a lot of issues in relationships. You’ve undoubtedly heard it said before that solid relationships are built on trust, or at least something to that effect, and I think most people would find that difficult to argue with. You can’t be around each other every moment of every day (and you probably shouldn’t want to), so there has to be a solid degree of trust between you or you’re flat-out doomed.

The thing about insecurity in a woman is that it can sometimes be hard to spot — or worse, sometimes you think it’s a good thing. You will definitely feel like you have the upper hand in a relationship with an insecure woman, and a lot of dudes consider that a huge win. But believe me when I tell you it’s like walking through a minefield, and in the best-case scenario, you’ll have more of a sidekick than an actual partner in life. Or — in the worst-case scenario — you’ll wake up one day to find your pecker has been cut off and flushed down the toilet.

But here’s the thing about insecurity: It can be cured. So if you really like this girl, you should try to help her build up her self-esteem, and there’s a good chance that will fix the problem. Encourage her to have a life of her own. Examine your own behavior and see if you’re contributing to the issue. We’re all works in progress, and sometimes we need some help to become the best people we can be.

So if she demonstrates any of the signs below, don’t bail right away. Help her out. It might be the best thing you ever did. Either that, or you’ll end up in a living hell. Life is full of gambles.

1. Jealousy

It’s flattering when your woman is jealous. It’s proof that she cares about you. A little is fine and perfectly normal, but you should be able to tell when she’s moving into bunny-boiler territory.

2. She Thinks Every Other Woman Is Out To Steal You Away From Her

Like I mentioned, it’s flattering when someone thinks you’re the shit, but don’t believe the hype. You’re not that special.

3. She Inserts Herself Into Every Conversation You Have With A Woman

Most of us can tell when we’re being flirted with, but an insecure woman assumes every conversation you have with someone of the opposite sex is going to lead to you dumping her for an upgrade, so she always swoops in to intervene.

4. She Accuses You Of Ogling Every Attractive Woman You See

This is difficult to defend against, because after all, you are a man. We’re always checking women out, but unless you’re a complete douche, you’re probably not drooling with your eyes popping out of your head, and that’s basically what she’s accusing you of.

5. She Needs To Know Your Exact Whereabouts At All Times

And God help you if you’re not where you said you’re going to be.

6. She Looks Through Your Phone

She’s more aware of your texts and missed calls than you are.

7. She Goes Through Your Internet Search History

If she finds any porn or — oh, shit — that you’ve visited a dating site (even if it was just a pop-up ad), you are screwed.

8. She’s Constantly Seeking Validation

“Do you love me?” “Do you think I’m pretty?” “I’m smart, right?” Like you’re going to answer “no” to any of these questions, anyway. Solicited compliments have no real value, but she feeds on them.

9. Guilt Trips

If you’re doing something without her, she’ll probably “let” you, but you’re going to hear about how she feels left out.

10. She Compliments Herself

When she reminds you of how lucky you are to have her, she’s really telling you the opposite.

11. She Runs You Down

Textbook manipulation. She doesn’t feel good about herself, so she’s trying to make you feel the same way, hoping you’ll believe you can’t do any better than her.

12. She Drives Wedges Between Your Friends And Family

She wants to be the only person in your life, so she methodically attempts to alienate you from everyone you care about.

13. She’s Bossy And Domineering

This is just an attempt to control the relationship, and by extension, you. She’s making all the decisions in an effort to limit your options.

14. She’s Clingy

We all want to feel needed by our partners, but we also want some degree of independence. Not her. When she’s in a relationship, there is no “you” or “I,” only “we” and “us.”

15. She Abandons Her Friends For You

Again, we all cut down on time with our buddies when we’re in a relationship, but hers have completely vanished to the point where you’re wondering if they ever even existed in the first place.

16. She Takes On All Your Interests

You’re going to like this at first. She likes all the movies you like, reads all the same books and is content to watch you play video games for four hours. But she’s not bringing anything to the table, and you’ll get bored pretty quickly.

17. She Freaks Out If You Don’t Answer A Text

Sometimes we’re too busy to answer right away, and then we forget. She’ll make you feel like you just left your baby in the grocery store.

18. She Pops In

If she shows up at your home, your office or guy’s night out, it’s not because she wanted to give you a pleasant surprise. It’s because she expected to catch you doing something you shouldn’t.

19. She Can’t Take Criticism

Relationships are all about give and take and establishing boundaries. If you suggest some area of improvement and she takes it way too hard, you might just stop bringing up those things altogether and end up miserable.

20. People Always Let Her Down

Insecure people do tend to get abandoned (because they’re annoying as hell), and she has no shortage of stories that end with her getting screwed over. Watch out if you’re considering diminishing those feelings, no matter how insane they sound.

21. When The Shit Hits The Fan, It Goes Everywhere

If you’ve crossed some line with her, even inadvertently and even if it’s no big deal in your opinion, you are in for it, my friend. Overreactions are the hallmark of the insecure.

22. She Over-Apologizes

Feel like you’re dating Ike Turner? She goes nuts on you over some little thing, then moments later wants to cuddle up and tell you how much she loves you? This is crazy-town.

23. She Belittles Anyone Else’s Achievements

They cheated, their accomplishments are meaningless, they don’t deserve it, etc. It’s like no one is worthy of any kind of success except for her.

24. She’s A Sore Loser

Even if it’s just a game of cards. It will ruin her night and she’ll do her best to make sure it ruins your night and the night of anyone else who is unfortunate enough to be nearby.

25. She Takes Joy In The Misfortune Of Others

Does she laugh when she sees an old person fall down? Does she celebrate when someone she doesn’t like gets fired or dumped? That’s not just insecure. That’s mean.

26. She reads into everything

You make an innocuous comment about how you’re glad the weather’s cooling down and she accuses you of calling her fat.

27. She’s Constantly One-Upping You

You tell her how much you got done today and she insists she did more. You tell her you about a trophy you got as a kid and she tells you about the time she was in the paper. You tell her you love her and she says, “Not as much as I love you.” It never ends.

28. She Reminds You Of Your Mistakes

Insecurity causes people to define themselves by their failures, and she’s going to try to drag you down that road, too.

29. She’s Materialistic

Money and possessions are quantitative things that insecure people can point to as proof that they’re doing well in life. They don’t believe it themselves, but they believe they can trick others into believing it.

30. She Always Has To Have The Last Word

Even if she has to sneak it in under her breath. Try living with that for any length of time.

The post 30 Signs You’re Dating An Insecure Woman appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.

DreamsWorks Pictures/Anchorman

Most women are not easily impressed. As a result, guys tend to lay it on thick in order to gain a result in the world of dating; along with a variety of other casual arrangements. Unfortunately for you guys, your attempts at cool often come as aloof, your generosity as extravagance, and your intelligence as pretentiousness. You can avoid the following mistakes, and step one is figuring out what exactly it is you’ve been doing wrong, like…

1. Acting Too Cool

Everyone seems to try this one and it almost always backfires. Exaggerated coolness looks, on the outside, like plain, old idiocy.

2. Using Almost Any Pickup Line

Don’t use them. Sadly there is a finite number of pickup lines in this world and chances are, a girl has already heard what you’re about to tell her.

3. Texting Too Much

If you start obsessively texting a woman with whom you’ve gone on a handful of dates (or just one), you’ll scare her. She will literally drown in your waterfall of texts.

4. Texting Too Little

On the other side of the coin, pretending that you don’t give a crap via the ten-hour text delay won’t work in your favor either. Use texts as they were meant to be used—for practical communication purposes.

5. Displaying Feats Of Physical Strength

The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air/via asn.im

It’s kind of caveman-esque to try and impress your new lady by displaying your guns or attempting to shove a parked car (okay, probably something less dramatic) in front of her.

6. Being Overly Chivalrous

If you put your jacket in a puddle that she’s about to walk in, it could be endearing, but it also could make you look like a lunatic.

7. Pretending To Share Her Hobbies

While, in reality, knowing nothing about any of them. Don’t play a music enthusiastic if you can’t pick the bass out of a track.

8. Talking Up Your Education

Though potential employers may think it’s great that you graduated from Princeton, your new date doesn’t need to hear you repeat old Ivy League stories all night long.

9. Playing Sensitive

Since you’ve heard that all women fall head over heels for sensitive men, you should definitely cry during the movie you see on your first date, even if it’s an action thriller starring Tom Cruise… right?

10. Wooing Her With Money

First off, do you want to attract a gold digger? Secondly, if you’re in New York, chances are this woman will meet ten other guys with more money than you in a matter of minutes if she steps into the right bar, making this not the smartest angle from several perspectives (the most important being that you should be hoping to avoid shallow women).

11. Boasting About Dick Size

This is naturally unflattering and may result in disappointment; from her end and yours (when you realize you’ve been wrong to brag about your genitalia all along).

12. Spoiling Her From The Get-Go

This will set a precedent that she’s going to expect you to keep up with. This also may warrant a gold digger caution.

13. Overdoing The First Date

Taking her to a restaurant that requires near-black tie attire is not a first date activity.

14. Going In For An Over-The-Top First Kiss

Dumb & Dumber/via tumblr

Trying to impress the new lady in your life with looping, probing tongue moves during your first kiss could feel invasive to her.

15. Initiating Too Much Physical Contact Too Soon

This also may very well count as invasive in her eyes.

16. Offering/Giving A Foot Massage

Save this for when you’ve already been dating. If you go for the massage action right off the bat, you get rid of some key, pleasant surprises for later, and you might come off as a tad creepy.

17. Laying On The Flattery

Who doesn’t love to be told she’s beautiful? Who doesn’t hate being told she’s gorgeous every other second in lieu of any real conversation on a first date?

18. Using Big Words (That You Don’t Know The Meaning Of)

An impressive vocabulary will go a long way with a literary woman. Misusing the word “ordure” will not.

19. Hyper-Grooming

Getting way too dressed up for a first date screams desperation.

20. Offering To Meet Friends And Family

Suggesting that you’re every parent’s dream will portray you as too serious too soon. You don’t have to be that guy until she asks you to be.

21. Giving First Date Gifts

Unless you’ve known the woman as a friends or acquaintance, you shouldn’t be giving a near stranger presents. Even showing up with flowers might be a mistake; she could be allergic.

22. Taking Her On An Impromptu Trip

If you guys don’t know each other all too well, you could be stuck in a foreign city or country with someone you can hardly stand and travel poorly with.

The post 22 Of The Dumbest Mistakes Guys Make When They’re Trying To Impress Women appeared first on Wall Street Insanity.